So I just got out of class and I'm sitting at work and what better way to pass the time then write some bloggnnnesssssss. Way too many letters, and I like it that way. I have this sudoku puzzle that i decided not to do and it's next to a comic i can barely read because the letters are too small. These things make me feel old somehow... it's not my oldness though, those leters are damn small! There's no staples and as much fun as it is to tell people that ther's no staples, I can't seem to enjoy the mean looks i get for not supplying staples... This job is easy but it's really weird sometimes. I swear once a girl waggled her finger at me and very assertively said "YOU need to go get some more STAPLES!" *eye roll as she walks off*  Yeah... I'll run over to Office Depot and get some right away... This is becomming a great stream-of-consciousness writing. No, what I really wanted to say, what's scaring me the most right this moment, is something not many of you even know about. And it's really hard to type it in a place you all can read, even though I doubt I will have many readers seriously, who cares right? I'll put it this way, i've been daydreaming that someone i really dislike will come back into my life for the sheer purpose of ruining it at a time when I am finally starting to feel like everything is going very well... Yes this COULD happen, do I really think it will? no, but i can't stop thinking that it might... Why are these thoughts in my head? I have no clue but something tells it has to do with a recent realization i've had. My best friend has found himself an amazing girlfriend and yeah i'mjealous, but not in the way that I wish it was me with her, not at all. She's a great person, great for him and i'm super excited for him. No, what I'm really concerned with is if i could ever find a girl who's not only honest like her but also someone who would love me as well as she loves him. I've never really had that, even when I thought I was in love it really was all an eleborate lie to fel some more carnal needs... bleh... screw that, I am done with that. So anyway this realization thing... I've been sort of picking out girls that I like but, just in the same stupid superficial way that makes me sick. Sure a couple of my choices have not been based on those kinds of feelings, but most have and it's going to be really hard for me to tell the difference. My worst problem is this.. at what point does a girl go from being polite and friendly to being flirtatious.. I honestly can't tell, and that becomes really aparent when I think about my interractions with certain girls lately. Y'know here's another thing I just noticed, I seem to be really obsessed with having a relationship. Sure i've been single now for like 2 years, but that last one hurt me bad obviously and i still can't shake the feeling of impending doom, no matter how hard I try. But seriously why can't I forget about that for now? I'm contempt with my life, I'm happy with the way it's going, why obsess over that? You wann know why? I want a family of my own, yeah I know, i'm not a stereoypical guy, why won't you realize it by now? I'm so anxious to have someone who to love, to come home to after an annoying day and just relax with. yeah, it annoys me that that wont happen instantly, t takes a lot of work, and sometimes i'm just too lazy to do that, but if I want to reach this goal I seriously better start working. So there we are, back to the trying to start a relationship. My goodness it's all I think about now aside from passing my classes and trying to get some sort of career going. Which i'm excited about, I'm also excited about spending time with my friends in Dallas, and i'm excited about a trip that will be much MUCH firther away. As May 18 gets closer I know I wont be ready for it. I wont be ready for the jet lag, the culture shock, the fact that the electrical sockets probably wont be the same. Yeah I'm thinking about that too. But more importantly, what are we doing there? Yeah I can't really say what I think we're doing there, but I honestly don't know... What will we do? I just want to walk around, get lost, take pictures of the sights, and cherish the memories forever. I don't care if that's all we do for 2 weeks, it would make me happiest. What's even better, my best friend will be there. I don't care what you want to call it. I love my best friend. He's the best person I know right now aside from family, certainly they come first. I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather spend that time out of the country with, certainly my other friends who are going are also awesome, and I will love every moment with them as well, but the fact that he is going makes this even more exciting for me. We were just talking the other night about how he's the longest standing friend i've had in my life and how it's something I never expected to have. When I was growing up I moved around a lot because my family was very poor and it was tough staying in one place for too long when you can't afford the rent. Most of my growing years were spent in New Orleans but i left all those friends behind several years ago and I haven't seen or talked to any of them in over 10 years. I lived in San Diego for about 2 weeks, I sed to visit every summer but I had only one friend before living there, and she had long since moved elsewhere (to Pennsylvania I think) Anyway I gained one friend during those two weeks that I was wrongfully stuck into a remedial class and I honestly don't remember his name, but he was decent. Since then living here there's only one person i've really kept in touch with since High School and i'm usually too shy to let other friendships grow to this calibur. Yeah y'know what i'm tired of typing and you're tired of reading, so here's to another 6-8 months until my next entry.

Now the truth is all out and i was right, she didn't really want to be with me. She wants perfection, something no one can give, although she said I had it, she was very wrong, and now she knows just how wrong she was. A little girl lost in an unrealistic dream world that she created to crawl into when she was being abused. I can't say I was surprised, like I said I knew what she really thought of me.When I said that to her she'd deny it but no longer. We let all the unsaid things boil over untill we couldn't hold them in anymore. And that's how it always ends for me. I can't ever have a nice or clean break, I'm never true friends with any ex's. Brenna is probably the closest, we talk sometimes, even if it is a little awkward. I'm not sure how I feel about it, I may feel the sting later, but for now eh, it's out of my hands, I was right from the start, I knew it would happen. I had"Pre-ExGirlfriend" in my head when I met her, I was right all along.